Foregiveness: What does it really mean?

By

Keith L. Anderson, Ph.D

 The dictionary says to forgive is, to grant pardon for or remission of and resentment against an offense or debt. So, if we truly forgive someone, we are supposed to wipe the slate clean. In Matthew 18: 21-22 when Peter asked Jesus how often to forgive, Jesus said, "I say not unto thee, until seven times but, until seventy times seven.” That’s a lot of forgiving! 

      Recently my wife came down to the gym where I was working out. She had “that look” on her face. I thought she’d gotten “the call” and someone died. “No one died or is hurt,” she finally said. “The boys were playing around in the living room and your 37 inch flat screen high definition television is broken. I thought you should know,” she said. She came there to give me time to think about my actions before I went home. We'd saved to get ourselves a 37 inch Vizio HDTV. When I arrived home I felt my anger rising. I sat in my driveway and called my friend Larry in Seattle. 

     I explained the situation. He said, “I’ll tell you what you would tell me.”

      “What’s that?”

      “It’s a television. Right now they are in the house scared. What you do when you walk in, they will remember for the rest of their lives.”     “But Larry it was my 37 inch Vizio HDTV.” I whined. He laughed.

      “Good luck,” he said.

      I walked into the house and the boys were waiting. They were crying. First, I looked at the web like marks on the screen. Then back at them. Then back at my Vizio. “What Happened?”

      “He got mad at me and threw this,” said my older son.

      “Why did you throw this at your brother?” I asked.

      “He made me mad,” said my younger son.

      I recited a few choice words about how stupid it is to throw things. Then I told my youngest son to stand directly in front of me. I paused for what seemed like an eternity. I spread my arms as wide as I could.

      “I love you and I forgive you. Can you forgive me for getting mad over a television?” He cried harder. I just held him. “Go wash your face and hop in bed,” I said. I did the same to my oldest son, who was also crying. I gave him a big hug and sent him to bed.

      I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I was totally, 100% sure of how I handled things. Like I said, I loved my 37" Vizio HDTV. I sat there staring at it. It still looked normal when it was turned off. I called the Vizio people and they said to toss it and buy a new one. Like many men, I try to be the best father  I can be. Sometimes I do a good job and sometimes I probably don't do such a good job. Maybe some other dad would have handled that situation better. Honestly, forgiving them was difficult. I've learned, forgiveness takes courage. It oftentimes means putting away one's own wants, feelings and desires and taking the short end of the stick. Oddly, the most difficult type of forgiveness is learning to forgive ourselves. Not forgiving ourselves causes us to set standard that we’ll expect others to live up to. This creates an arrogance, which leads to negative attitudes towards those who can’t live up to our bloated standards.